(Originally posted 9/21/2009 - UPDATED 10/2/2010; after CNN *finally* cans the smarmy-toad. - jd)
Dear 80% of Americans who aren’t crazy, brainwashed, Christian-witches, and / or completely lacking any trace of moral center ~
Sigh. Rick Sanchez screaming “YOU LIE” at Fox News all day on CNN is not a victory for anyone but Fox News. In case you missed it, Fox just totally conned Sanchez and CNN into re-airing even more coverage of last Saturday's Fiction-Festival, Loony-Baloony, 9/12 Stupid-Hooey. And all it took was ginormous sums of money and a little twist of Sanchez' itty-bitty ego-testicles. Apparently it's just that easy to get your main competitor to flaunt your bullshit propaganda while aping your grade-school behavior as some kind of indignant smack-down.
Nice work, Rick. Epic fail.
Fox must be thrilled when a full page ad in the Washington Post yields five times it's original rate of return for it's revenue dollars because you can't resist megaphoning their ugly fan-fiction all over yourself. (We know all too well, Rick: self-flagellation is your Axe Body Spray.) Then, at no additional charge to FOX, the rational rest of are forced to watch this hyperbolic chamber of slime subsequently trickle-piss it's way down to the best independent blogs on the internet. Great new model for the new media paradigm, everyone: if Fox isn't happy with the other networks "news" coverage of their stage-managed, populist-rage Kabuki, they'll bitch and whine like Beverly Hills tweens without boob jobs and CNN caves and throws in a Lexus and a Jonas Brother. What a fun, shameful new precedent!
This undignified Fox/ Sanchez episode is one of the most obvious ways Democrats, Progressives, Rational Independents, Solid Moderates, and Reagan Fiscal Conservatives (read: We, The Not Crazy People) are self-defeating. Our failure to fight the regressive (and erroneous) red media vs. blue media cable news circus is just another token in the broken spoke of our ravaged fourth estate. The initial trickles of our collective rubbernecking the at the stupidity on display in the Teatards has taken it's toll; a trend we were way too slow to identify, one we never made serious efforts to stem, and one we now find ourselves too impotent to remedy. It was always inevitable that at it's highest tide it would behave as flash flood waters do, resulting in the wholesale brainwashing of a full 20% of the U.S population daily in banks, bars, and doctor's offices all over the country.
I know it's fashionable to live-feed the zoo animals, but shouldn't We The People stop allowing our public airwaves to be used this way and save them from their own electrified fences? Can’t We - The (supposedly smarter) People - come up with a better, if not LOUDER, solution? Or at least a better slogan? Or more outrageous and effective street theater? (I know, I know - same thing. But this Health Care Bill has not exactly been a smooth roll-out...the New Coke campaign was better framed.) Until we do, we will continue to give the mob the mic.
In this graph, with the indulgence of the "normal" 80 percenters reading this , I'd like to translate the above into Teabagginese just in case any one of them should stumble by here, read this and accidentally absorb something like a fact. I seriously doubt any of them will suffer it - if we still have any of them with us...all those words I just wrote aren't on their limited, Fox prescribed info-diet. And from what I have gleaned anything beyond their daily dose of repetitive, emotional trigger words only confuses them (*even more) and causes them to lash out (*even louder). But just in case, for the benefit of those I once loved dearly before their unchecked, unprovoked, unfounded, unsubstantiated fear drove them so far into Nut-ville they don't have enough cerebral reception bars for me to get a call through to them from reality, anymore - just in case they should read this and get all urine-jumpy, like they do:
"Hello, Teabagger! I hate to brutally victimize you with facts, but you should know this is exactly how the Communist Pravda Press was formed. That's right, YOU are now riding shotgun with the big bad "Czar" driving this once great country to ruin in his "Commie Jalopy" - you freaky, deaky brainwashed willfully ign't mo'fo's. Do
l yourSELVES a favor and look into it before you go on that late summer shootin' spree. Say, here's a great joke I wrote just for you to not get:
--'What do you think about what happened last week, Comrade?'
--'I don't know. I haven't read my Pravda this morning.'
(Popular joke amongst the stupid, ruling elite in what was formerly the Soviet Union before it's dramatic, bitter, economic collapse.)
**End of Teabagginese**
Apologies if the above graph seems exceedingly rude to the 80% of you who aren’t crazy, brainwashed, Christian-witches, and / or completely lacking your moral center ~ but that's how Teabagginese is properly spoken, and believe me, the only way it's understood. In fact, I think I missed some not-so-subtle misspellings inherent to the various regional dialects, but those residing north of Florida and West of Kentucky should be able to follow most of what I wrote from context. The joke will remain a mystery to most of them, sadly, as will the phrase "do us all a favor". To a Teabagger, the concept 'doing for the greater good' conjugates directly and immediately into the word 'Socialism' in every tense; including but not limited to first, second and third-person pluperfect subjunctive.)
As for the Democrats, I am no longer surprised by their willful intent to forfeit all that is critical at the time of least resistance. What I wonder now, mostly, is how much longer they'll even mount the effort to keep up appearances? This Great Republic our Farfurthers sacrificed their wealth and sacred honor to gift us with - "if we could keep it" - now inhabited by two dip-shit Dominants: the socialist ball-less, ball-licking billionaires, and the soul-less, riot-inciting, race-bating paranoid fringe billionaires with guns.
...Martini-Mandatory Times we're having, huh?
**UPDATE (3:47am PT) FYI - As a mediocre virtuoso, (never could make a living at it) I am usually vindicated within six (6) hours of any given post, as I am exactly six (6) hours ahead of my time. But this time I am way under par @ 12 hrs with this recently released, gloating quote from FOX:
**FOX NEWS RESPONDS TO SANCHEZ**
"When asked about their competitors' (Sanchez's) reaction to the ad, a FOX executive laughed and said, "Thank you very much, and a special thanks to Rick Sanchez who has always been a sucker. He's a gift that keeps on giving...."http://www.huffingtonpos...ds-to-rick_n_292347.html
Here's to hoping I'm now a full half-a-day ahead of my time. If you wanna know what's gonna happen tomorrow but not the next day, give me a shout.
**2010 UPDATE w/ REVISED - scratch all that. I'm now a FULL YEAR ahead of my time. (Those virtuoso classes I took years ago must FINALLY be paying off. Won't my parents be relieved!) Sanchez has been rightly canned, no matter how long it may have took. How, O how, will CNN ever find anyone to replace your remarkable track record of ineptitude? Truly, you leave behind *hugely* useless shoes to fill. And yet, somehow I feel certain CNN won't fail us toward that end...
AND THANK YOU, ONCE AGAIN, JON STEWART!!! Another clean victory in the battle of Satire vs. humorless, high paid, high profile assholes! And this time he didn't even have to do anything! Chalking up another win for democrazy. Beware future Tucker-type-fuckers and would-be Dirty Sanchez's! Your days of mind-numbing influence are surely numbered.